I didn't grow up believing love was automatic.
I learned early that affection had requirements—especially when it came to me. Love wasn't something you received simply because you existed. It was something you earned. Something exchanged. Something granted when you were useful, helpful, compliant, or convenient.
You will be loved, if you do something for me.
That was the message—not always spoken, but always understood.
Affection With Terms and Conditions
Most of the affection I received felt transactional.
If I behaved a certain way.
If I performed well.
If I stayed out of the way.
If I made life easier for someone else.
Affection arrived as a response, not as a given.
And when I failed to meet those expectations, it disappeared just as easily.
That taught me a quiet but powerful lesson:
Love can be taken away.
What Made It Hurt More
What made it harder wasn't just the lack of affection.
It was the contrast.
I watched others receive love freely.
I watched affection given without conditions.
I watched warmth, comfort, reassurance—handed out naturally, effortlessly.
I didn't misunderstand what love looked like:
I saw it clearly.
I just wasn't the one receiving it.
Learning Love Through Observation
I didn't row up confused about affection.
I grew up observant.
I knew love could be gentle.
I knew it could be patient.
I knew it could be unconditional.
I just learned—slowly, painfully—that it wasn't meant for me in the same way.
That kind of realization doesn't make a child angry right away.
It makes them quiet.
It makes them wonder what they're missing.
What they're doing wrong.
What they need to become.
How That Shaped My Sense of Worth
When love is conditional, worth becomes unstable.
You start to believe you are lovable when—
not lovable because.
So I learned to:
- give more than I received
- prove my value through effort
- anticipate needs
- earn closeness instead of expecting it
I didn't chase affection because I was needy.
I chased it because I believed it had to be earned.
How This Followed Me Forward
That belief didn't stay in childhood.
It followed me into friendships.
Into relationships.
Into adulthood.
It showed up as:
- overgiving
- difficulty receiving care
- discomfort when loved without effort
- fear that love could disappear if I failed
When affection is conditional early on, unconditional love can feel unfamiliar—even unsafe.
What I Know Now
I know now that love was never supposed to be a reward.
It wasn't something I failed to earn.
It wasn't withheld because I was lacking.
It was withheld because of the limitations of the people around me.
That truth took a long time to accept.
Learning a New Definition of Love
I am still learning—slowly—that love doesn't need justification.
That affection doesn't require performance.
That beeing seen doesn't have to be earned.
That care can exist without transaction.
And when I see unconditional love now—
especially when I give it to my children—
I understand something I couldn't as a child:
Watching love from the outside didn't mean I was unworthy of it.
It meant I would one day know exactly how to give it.
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." — Romans 5:8